Microkhan by Brendan I. Koerner

Monkeys and Their Crayons

March 13th, 2009 · 4 Comments

battlefieldearthAs Microkhan’s regular readers know well, Fridays ’round here mean it’s time for hilariously negative movie reviews of yore. This week’s victim is John Travolta’s Scientology-infused sci-fi stinker Battlefield Earth, which remains the great blemish on Forest Whitaker’s otherwise amazing career. How the man behind Ghost Dog and Charles Jefferson got suckered into this disaster remains a question for the ages.

Battlefield Earth was, of course, roundly criticized for its hamfisted plotting and general awfulness. But no one brought the pain quite like The Washington Post‘s Rita Kempley, who began her infamous pan thusly:

A million monkeys with a million crayons would be hard-pressed in a million years to create anything as cretinous as “Battlefield Earth.” This film version of L. Ron Hubbard’s futuristic novel is so breathtakingly awful in concept and execution, it wouldn’t tax the smarts of a troglodyte.

Happy weekend, y’all. Catch you again come Monday.


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4 Comments so far ↓

  • miss modal

    Heh, what a classic film. So bad its great. And so many great reviews. Roger Ebert: ” ‘Battlefield Earth’ is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It’s not merely bad; it’s unpleasant in a hostile way. The visuals are grubby and drab. The characters are unkempt and have rotten teeth. Breathing tubes hang from their noses like ropes of snot. The soundtrack sounds like the boom mike is being slammed against the inside of a 55-gallon drum. The plot. . . .”
    and of course, Gabe Delahaye at Videogum:
    “A movie is made for one or more of the following reasons:

    * To turn a profit.
    * To inform.
    * To entertain.

    Since Battlefield Earth did none of the above, I’m pretty sure it’s not a movie. It may be a painful experiment on the human tolerance for visual punishment, or a rich person’s idea of a joke.”

  • Ranald

    “the great blemish on Forest Whitaker’s otherwise amazing career.”

    Jean Claude Van Damme’s Bloodsport wasn’t so great either…

  • Brendan I. Koerner

    Disagree! It’s not one for the Smithsonian vault, necessarily, but Bloodsport ain’t half bad. C’mon, Chun Li is a great villain. Plus there’s the whole “I must avenge my friend” subplot that works oh-so-perfectly.

  • Vincent van Guenon

    […] We’ve yet to make up our mind on this topic, though we promise to give it careful consideration tonight (as we drink, naturally). But we remain fairly well-convinced that non-human primates lack the ability to create a movie as terrible as Battlefield Earth. […]