Microkhan by Brendan I. Koerner

“Where Was All That Patriotism When It Counted?”

April 6th, 2009 · 12 Comments

Even in their wildest schemes, the Soviets likely never contemplated the invasion of America. Okay, maybe they would’ve liked to bite off an Aleutian Island or two. But sweep into the Heartland and bring the word of Lenin at gunpoint? Yuri Andropov wasn’t exactly Genghis Khan, in terms of expansionist vision.

But, oh, how Hollywood wished it were otherwise, at least during the mid-’80s. Red Dawn gets most the nostalgic ink, but there was a cottage industry in “The Russkies are coming!” paranoia during Microkhan’s formative years. And no slab of media made as much of an impression as Amerika, which depicts the United States ten years after a Soviet takeover. The trailer above, which highlights the prominent roles played by Kris Kristofferson and Mariel Hemingway’s eyebrows, is pure comedy gold in retrospect, particularly for the unironic use of the phrase “I don’t even know you any more.”

Then again, is the fact we’re writing these words an indicator that our guard is down? Is Microkhan falling into Putin’s trap? And if the Russians do come, will they really insist on having tinted windows for all their vehicles?


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12 Comments so far ↓

  • Tony Comstock

    It was Soilent Green that fucked me up; I didn’t realize just how badly until this latest “crisis”.

  • Gramsci

    I remember “The Day After,” getting a note from school to all the parents warning them about watching this movie, all the while just confirming that it was something serious people should watch.

    BTW, is this site micro Genghis, Kublai, or Montalban?

  • Brendan I. Koerner

    Watching “The Day After” as a third grader was pretty traumatic. I wonder how it holds up after all these years–will have to hunt down via YouTube this week.

    Re: Khan, I’ve always been a big fan of Batu:


  • Stan

    Any movie w/ Sam Neil and Robert Ulrich can’t be all bad.

  • Brendan I. Koerner

    Neill’s actually pretty good in this–the man pulls off “dastardly Soviet colonel” quite well. But the performance is obscured by Mariel Hemingway’s eyebrows.

  • Tony Comstock

    You think that fucked you up? Imagine seeing *this* when you were 8!


  • Brendan I. Koerner

    Wow, yes–I can see how that would leave you psychologically scarred. And perhaps reluctant to ever grow old.

    At least the disposal center employs extremely hot nurses. The one who opens the door in the first scene is smoking.

  • Jordan

    Man, those are some damn fancy HIND pilots. Flying under overhead lines is nothing to sniff at.

  • Gramsci

    I wonder what the Russian is for “We don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.” That, you know, would have been a strong argument to take America over.

  • Brendan I. Koerner

    @Gramsci: Мы не хотим, чтобы курящее оружие было атомным грибом!

    (above may look like nonsense to folks who haven’t installed their language packs)

    @Jordan: ABC appears to have dropped a ridiculous amount of money on Amerika. Those Russkie choppers don’t come cheap, I imagine.

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