Microkhan by Brendan I. Koerner

Really? These Guys?

November 5th, 2009 · 8 Comments

Before the Sandman took hold last night, we managed to dive into the first few pages of Lawrence Wright’s New Yorker piece on last January’s war in Gaza. It’s a topic we know little about, and so we were genuinely surprised by a passing mention regarding the paranoia of Hamas. According to Wright, the organization’s stated enemies include none other than the Lions Club, which Hamas considers a major backer of Zionism.

This struck as an exaggeration—how could anyone feel threatened by a bunch of do-gooding old-timers in yellow vests? But sure enough, Article Twenty-Two of the Hamas Convention lays it all out:

For a long time, the enemies have been planning, skillfully and with precision, for the achievement of what they have attained. They took into consideration the causes affecting the current of events. They strived to amass great and substantive material wealth which they devoted to the realisation of their dream. With their money, they took control of the world media, news agencies, the press, publishing houses, broadcasting stations, and others. With their money they stirred revolutions in various parts of the world with the purpose of achieving their interests and reaping the fruit therein. They were behind the French Revolution, the Communist revolution and most of the revolutions we heard and hear about, here and there. With their money they formed secret societies, such as Freemasons, Rotary Clubs, the Lions and others in different parts of the world for the purpose of sabotaging societies and achieving Zionist interests. With their money they were able to control imperialistic countries and instigate them to colonize many countries in order to enable them to exploit their resources and spread corruption there.

According to the Sydney Morning Herald, Hamas’s anti-Lions sentiment can be traced back to a noted Holocaust denier, who is apparently as daft as The Simpsons Mr. Burns during his Howard Hughes phase.

While we have little doubt the Lions are a pro-Western group, we really can’t see them having the evil streak required to plot the destruction of Islam. No, only the Shriners are capable of such menace.


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8 Comments so far ↓

  • Gramsci

    Though Shriners are, technically, 33rd (some say 34th) degree Freemasons, you wonder whether Hamas is cognizant of the pseudo-Muslim, star-and-crescent motifs of the Shriners, and whether that makes any difference. As for the Lions, well, picking 19 consecutive wide receivers in the first round was probably some kind of Zionist code.

    I think we need a Harvard symbologist to figure it out.

  • Brendan I. Koerner

    I love the visual of the Hamas leadership sitting around a bunch of photos of Shriners and saying, “See, check out the logo on their hats. They’re totally on our side!”

    Last Thanksgiving, I watched the Lions game with my father-in-law, who was visiting from Detroit. I can honestly say I’ve never seen a more wretched NFL performance. I honestly think they didn’t have a defensive back taller than 5’6″.

    Here’s the full rundown on all of their draft picks since 1995. Explains oh-so-much:


    Kerwin Waldroup? Artose Pinner? Who are these guys?

  • Captured Shadow

    I forgot about the Howard Hughes phase. But I remember the Stone Cutters
    Who are most likely a huge threat to Hamas.

  • Brendan I. Koerner

    I’ve always blamed the Stonecutters for getting “Crash” that ill-deserved Best Picture Oscar.

  • jackal

    I blame the egg council.. you’d better run, egg! *shakes fist in homerian fashion*

  • growler

    My uncle was not only a Shriner; he was a Shriner clown. Can you say “Creepy.”

    I have an old Shriner watch (not his) that has the sword and crescent moon logo on it. I took it to a Middle Eastern jewelry store when the battery died, and the guy who fixed it was quite intrigued.

  • Brendan I. Koerner

    @growler: Rather amazingly, there appears to be an organization of Texan Shriner clowns:


    Check out the 2009 Mid-Winter Results. I had no idea there was a clown sub-category called “Happy Hobo.”

  • The Criteria of Clowndom

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