Microkhan by Brendan I. Koerner

Entries Tagged as 'Bad Movie Friday'

A Smirking Humanoid Named Sherman

March 5th, 2010 · 4 Comments

Ttaubotneanauayean for your patience this week, as we eased up on the posting in order to tackle our crushing Wired gig. All will resume to normal on Tuesday, after we’ve hit our deadline.
To reward your steadfastness, we’d like to offer up a very special Bad Movie Friday entry: 1989’s Millennium, starring the truly mismatched pair [...]

That’s What You Get for Not Hailing to the Chimp

February 26th, 2010 · No Comments

We have never attempted to conceal our fascination with movies starring non-human primates. That quirk of our character shines through yet again in this week’s Bad Movie Friday installment, featuring the 1951 Ronald Regan vehicle Bedtime for Bonzo. Suffice to say that the trailer above makes us weep for the scientific literacy of Eisenhower Era [...]

Harvey Takes a Stretch

February 12th, 2010 · 2 Comments

For the record, we think Harvey Keitel’s performance in Bad Lieutenant is one of the most awesome acting jobs in cinematic history. It’s such a grandiose villainous turn, in fact, that we have a tough time seeing him as anything other than a crack-smoking, sexually deviant New York City cop. And so we get a [...]

“There’s a Female Up There Circling Mother Earth”

January 22nd, 2010 · No Comments

Not much time for Bad Movie Friday this week, as we’re scrambling on the Secret Major Project™. So this vintage anti-Soviet propaganda film about the travails of Laika will have to suffice. It gets really amazing around the 42-second mark, when one of Laika’s American peers dons granny glasses in order to peep the space-race [...]

The Absolute Nadir of Animation

January 15th, 2010 · 11 Comments

One of the greatest movie-review slams we’ve come across in recent months is Nathan Rabin’s brutal takedown of I Hate Valentine’s Day, the latest project from My Big, Fat Greek Wedding mastermind Nia Vardalos. The whole pan is full of choice insults, but the apex comes in the kicker: “If the comic strip character Cathy [...]

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Tags:1980s·Bad Movie Friday·Cathy·comics·movies

Dolph on a Mission

January 8th, 2010 · 2 Comments

We here at Microkhan headquarters have been been shy about expressing our love for modern pentathlon, by far the most underrated sport in the Summer Olympics. And so we were recently overjoyed to discover that none other than Dolph Lundgren, one of the finest actors of the past half century, shares our affinity for the [...]

Stallone in Full McBain Mode

December 18th, 2009 · 7 Comments

We have a complicated relationship with Cobra, and thus hesitated for a beat before deciding to honor it with this week’s Bad Movie Friday showcase spot. To its credit, the movie does a fine job of conjuring up a psycho murder cult, the members of which gather in warehouses to bang together axes in rhythmic [...]

Watch for Falling Rocks

December 11th, 2009 · 2 Comments

We’re more than a little ashamed to admit we remember the brief Ewok craze of the mid-1980s, when two made-for-TV follow-ups to Return of the Jedi hit the tube. While we realize now that the Ewoks were a harbinger of the soul-crushing awfulness of Jar-Jar Binks, we were suckers for the furry critters back in [...]

The Loss of Mike Figgis

December 4th, 2009 · 4 Comments

On one of our first-ever dates with the Grand Empress, we were smitten by the depth of her hostility toward The Loss of Sexual Innocence, arguably the most annoying, self-consciously bizarre film ever committed to celluloid—and thus prime fodder for the return of our semi-beloved Bad Movie Friday feature.
Now, don’t get us wrong—we sorta love [...]

“Thrillingly Embarrassing”

November 13th, 2009 · 5 Comments

After a week’s hiatus, Bad Movie Friday returns with a vengeance, in the form of the made-for-TV Rosie O’Donnell vehicle Riding the Bus with My Sister. Perhaps Ms. O’Donnell reckoned that her star turn as a mentally handicapped woman would be critic proof, as no one wants to be accused of insensitivity. But she didn’t [...]

“Kingdom of Heaven Number One”

November 6th, 2009 · No Comments

No Bad Movie Friday this week, as The Tubes yielded up precious few usable clips from Smokey and the Bandit Part 3. Instead, we’re gonna hit you with a special treat—rare archival footage from the heyday of Father Divine, taken during his prosperous Harlem phase. It’s best viewed in tandem with this 1953 Life spread, [...]

The Last 3,000 Miles

October 23rd, 2009 · 4 Comments

After a tremendous week of work, contemplation, and gorging on fish tacos out here in Palo Alto, we’re heading back to Microkhan headquarters this evening. Not much time for blogging today, alas, as we try to suck a last few moments of enjoyment out of this trip. So we’re skipping right ahead to Bad Movie [...]

Blue Screen Blues

October 9th, 2009 · No Comments

A quick Bad Movie Friday this week, as we’re absorbed in the game of narrative non-fiction writing (i.e. the gig that pays the bills ’round here). Let’s just say that we probably owe Krull another look; we saw it at a grade-school birthday party back when it came out, and probably didn’t yet have the [...]

Truly Unsafe at Any Speed

October 2nd, 2009 · 2 Comments

This is the last post we scheduled before departing for Kenya last weekend—a Bad Movie Friday entry that rankles with its unrealistic depiction of vehicular combustion. Even the 1971 Ford Pinto wasn’t quite this fragile.
Thanks to those of you stuck with us this week, despite knowing that a WordPress bot was at the posting controls. [...]

“It’s Dangerous for Strangers in Atlantis”

September 25th, 2009 · 3 Comments

On our forthcoming trip to Africa, we certainly hope we don’t suffer Kathy Ireland’s fate and slip into an underground realm populated by refugees from an Olivia Newton-John video. But we reckon anything’s possible, so we’ll be sure to conceal our surface-world origins should foam columns give way.
Believe it or not, we actually saw this [...]

The Physics of the Impossible

September 18th, 2009 · 1 Comment

Unlike some past movies we’ve highlighted as part of Bad Movie Friday—notably the irredeemably dreadful Hard to Ticket to Hawaii—Gleaming the Cube is actually halfway watchable, provided you’re willing to switch off your brain for 90 minutes. But even when we’re feeling truly charitable, there are two things that can’t help but irk us to [...]

“At the End of the Day, It’s Just a Snake”

September 1st, 2009 · 2 Comments

Ordinarily we’d save Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent for our weekly Bad Movie Friday feature. But, honestly, we don’t think we can sleep too many more days without knowing exactly what star DMX mumbles in the middle of this trailer. We think his closing line is, “The only thing you have to look forward [...]

A Fiberglass Romance

August 21st, 2009 · 3 Comments

Had Corvette Summer been blessed with a better casting director, perhaps it would have escaped the ignominy of our weekly Bad Movie Friday slot. But no—they just had to cast the 27-year-old Mark Hamill as a high-school student, and noted character actress Annie Potts as a Vegas sexpot (a far cry from her ideal role [...]

A Death Less Ordinary

August 14th, 2009 · 3 Comments

It’s probably a bit of stretch to file 1999’s Deep Blue Sea under our ever-popular Bad Movie Friday heading. While the premise of the film could scarcely be more ridiculous—hyper-intelligent mako sharks?—the sunken-laboratory thriller is not without its guilty pleasures. Chief among them is this classic scene, which features Samuel L. Jackson at his edgy [...]

Beastmaster Errata

August 10th, 2009 · No Comments

Look, we’re big enough Mongolian monarchs to admit when we’ve goofed. And that’s exactly what appears to be the case with last week’s Bad Movie Friday post about the 1982 Marc Singer vehicle The Beastmaster. We riffed about Singer’s apparent refusal to save the life of the ferret that had just helped pluck him from [...]

The Sacrificial Ferret

August 7th, 2009 · 9 Comments

Whatever you may be drinking this weekend, please plan on pouring a little out for the heroic ferret in this classic The Beastmaster clip. We have no idea why Marc Singer’s character, supposedly a Dr. Doolittle-like friend to the animals, doesn’t try and help his rodent savior. But that’s just one of the many eternal [...]

“A Profound Instinct…for Vengeance!”

July 31st, 2009 · No Comments

Here’s a doozy of a me-too flick for Bad Movie Friday: 1977’s Orca, which tried oh-so-hard to copy the Jaws formula. But the film flopped miserably, in large part because its target audience wasn’t all that terrified by killer whales. (Thanks, Shamu.) Oh, and also because Richard Harris gnaws on the scenery like it was [...]

Don’t Shake Henry’s Hand

July 24th, 2009 · 2 Comments

Yesterday we noted a mid-1980s toothpaste commercial that still freaks us out to this day. Now, in the space normally reserved for Bad Movie Friday, we’d like to recall the celluloid character who creeped us out more than Freddy and Jason combined: Henry Kane, the demonic cult leader who menaces the Freeling family in Poltergeist [...]

One at a Time, Please

July 17th, 2009 · 7 Comments

This week’s installment of Bad Movie Friday brings us some serious high-concept nonsense: the 1985 Kurt Thomas vehicle Gymkata, which sought to cash in on the nation’s post-Mary Lou Retton love affair with gymnastics. And what better way than to take a slightly past-his-prime male gymnast and insert him into a limp ninja flick?
We understand [...]

“I Don’t Like the Axe…”

July 10th, 2009 · 1 Comment

After a holiday hiatus, Bad Movie Friday returns with a true gem: 1987’s The Barbarians, starring bodybuilding twins Peter and David Paul (aka the Barbarian Brothers). Though obviously a blatant attempt to copy the then-successful Conan blueprint, The Barbarians attempted to infuse the swords-and-sorcery formula with ample amounts of proto-ironic humor. More often than not, [...]

Werner Loves the Jiggle

June 26th, 2009 · 2 Comments

One of our favorite means of procrastination is sifting through Nathan Rabin’s “My Year of Flops” series on The A.V. Club. That habit recently brought us in contact with this evisceration of The Real Cancun, which Rabin curtly derides as “a horrifying glimpse into the kiddie-pool-shallow minds of folks whose greatest ambition in life is [...]

Using Canned Peas to Your Advantage

June 19th, 2009 · No Comments

In keeping with last week’s Bad Movie Friday theme, we’re gonna once again focus on the thespian debut of a notorious athlete. In this case, our critical eye turns toward Brian Bosworth, the ex-Sooner star turned Bo Jackson doormat. Shortly after his pro football career came to an embarrassing end, Bosworth shifted gears and starred [...]

And Speaking of Basketball…

June 12th, 2009 · 6 Comments

For this week’s Bad Movie Friday, we’re gonna hit the proverbial layup and call out 1997’s Double Team. (Tagline: “He’s a one-man arsenal…with enough voltage to rock the world!”) The film is notable primarily for oddball hoopster Dennis Rodman’s scenery-chewing co-lead performance, opposite Jean-Claude Van Damme on the verge of sliding into his cocaine phase. [...]

The Utter Failure of High Concept

May 29th, 2009 · 2 Comments

For today’s installment of Bad Movie Friday, we’d like to shred a flick that must’ve seemed so great when William Friedkin pitched it: Cruising, a murder mystery that’s several degrees clumsier than the worst Encyclyopedia Brown shortie.
Now we can see why this got made. The milieu (the gay leather-bar scene) was ultra-edgy at the time, [...]

Hop the Next Shark to the Bahamas

May 22nd, 2009 · 4 Comments

The holiday weekend’s just hours away, and we’re mighty spent from a long week of writing and tending to Microkhan Jr. So we’re gonna outsource this week’s Bad Movie Friday to the late Richard Jeni. His target? The egregiously awful Jaws: The Revenge (aka Jaws IV).
As Jeni rightfully points out in his routine, there are [...]